Closure!

I don't know if you have noticed! He was always there, Jesus was always there with me. Even in my worst situation he was always there. Psalmist David said, "if I make my bed in hell he will be there." If I make my bed in hell, sounds like a deliberate, knowing choice, "If I." Why would I want to consider that fact, but is true, He will be there, even in your darkest moment, He will be there. I did not recognized because I was so caught up with everything else around me, "Oh the pain". That is most of us, caught up with our self and whats happening to us and having pity parties, day in and day out etc.

If you have read all you would realized some choices I made was wrong, and I take full responsibility for them all. But He was always there, and He will always be there for me, and you open your eyes, your heart and see and feel. He is everywhere He is everything.

Taking full responsibility does not mean, woe is me, and I have  huge baggages carrying around with me, crying and sobbing, depressed constantly. It's realizing that I have a choice and each choice I make is either going to make me or break me.

Growing up it was just my sister, me and mommy, then the other extended family neighbors and friends. My mother was not a Christian, but she took us to church and I loved the Lord. I use to cry to go to church, when she is not going, she had to send me with some neighbors, it was morning church, Sunday school and night church I had the church routine down.

Every morning 5:00 am radio paradise was on in our house. There was this song that use to hurt my belly from the Psalms 5 Knowing what I know now I know why that use to happen.  My mom loved Jack Holcomb. She called him the man with the golden voice, I use to pray  and said, "Jesus I want to have a golden voice." The look on my mother face I wanted to have a golden voice. All of this is was happening and I was not Nine as yet.

I know I did not specifically, mention this  But I was molested during those years, and it stopped at age nine. When I use to travel to St. Thomas V.I by my uncle Moses, that was some peace from that part of my life. I love this uncle too, but the one I spoke about in another writing name is Bernard. The one I went looking for.

I grow up watching TBN network on Saturday mornings, really loved super book, The Junction, Quigleys place  Flying house and some others. I really liked Paul and Jan, they were funny to me, she had this purple puppet with blonde hair some kinda name begins with 'M' hope am not wrong, lol.

Another thing I did not mention specifically was 'there goes your fairy tale.' came from the man that rapped me he forced himself on, I did not report it because I was at his premises, that I had to travel to get there and stayed all through the night because I did not know where I was I reached there in the evening, He came and picked me up we traveled for on the road for sometime it was evening new place, lots of turns. My intentions was not to have sex. It was to sort out our differences because he did say he was going to marry me and that is what he wanted, am not like the other girls, woman he knows.

I went there with the information from him, that I would have a room for myself because, I said I am not staying in the same room with you. The house is bad enough he convince me that it is more than one room he showed me pictures. He said we are all adults he see nothing wrong its just to talk and settle out this, he can handle him self. I trusted him because, his occupation. It was totally different when I arrived room what room! I point it out to him right then and there and he had a grin on his face, I was like oh no! Then he saw my face dropped. He said, "if i had tell you you wont have come." I said, "of course I was not going to come."
Well I started talking about my future, and so forth he put in a unclean movie I did not watch it he said so you don't watch those movie and don't have sex you are a clean girl then he started to force him self on me I fought until I could do it anymore my head got  knocked to the wall I just could not fight anymore I was crying he said what are you crying for and said, "there goes your fairy tale."

Four days before it happen I went on my knees to asked the Lord to show me if he is right because, I had pull the plug a couple of days before, things did not feel right. Well the Monday night after church I was speaking to someone about well before I enter into any relationships the lord always shows me things and so-on, but this one I never had a dream bout him until I went on my knees.

In the dream this man seemed to b my husband Naked in my house looked almost dried and sucked in and evil, but in my dreams it seemed like he was my husband, he started to chase me to have sex, so I started running around in the house from him. A lady from church happen to be there she was praying for me saying run, run. Anyway he grabbed my hand and bit me on it I woke up. I know what that mean, I rebuke it and cancelled it.

He started to call me and said thing like I will never meet another like him, because am weird, he is the only one that understands me, and am not a christian, am a devil I don't trust myself and am making him feel uncomfortable and  all that...